Monday, July 18, 2011
New day...
same confused feelings. Is it as bitchy as i feel it is that if i have to be miserable i don't want him to be happy either? I just wish i could be happy again. The way i feel right now i don't know if that can happen or not. Writing in this blog at least gets all of these feelings in words, which helps a little. :/
Saturday, July 16, 2011
First post in forever
So I know I haven't posted in forever, and its really sad. I became one of THOSE bloggers i guess, but im determined to fix that. Im just going to start writing and put it all out on the table.
I've been semi-depressed for the last week or so, because my boyfriend of over a year went on a vacation to Canada. I know, I know, I'll live. But it still sucks and i miss him like crazy. Teenage love, i guess, but its more than just teenage love. I want to spend the rest of my life with this boy and I hope/believe that that is what he wants too. The problem is that I don't know where to draw the line as far as how huge a part of my life i should make him- if going two weeks without him is killing me inside does that mean I am to dependent and reliant on him for my happiness? Yet isn't that the way a relationship should be? ugh. I am afraid that I may have been focusing to much on him lately and haven't been focusing enough time on friends. I have been talking to and connecting to my friends a lot more in the week that he has been gone, and I wont lie its been nice. It kinda hit me that I may have been a bit of an absent sucky friend lately, and I don't want to be that person. So i guess him leaving opened up my eyes to the fact that I need to focus some of the time I put on him towards my friends, because I love them to and I know they love me back. I need to find a happy medium.
Him being gone has also opened my eyes to the fact that I think i will never be able to leave him when i go to college next year so ill probably end up going to clarion uni, not that that's a bad thing. I'm glad i know that i cant stand leaving him before i went and decided to go to a school a couple of hours away thinking I could deal with the distance only to realize that it was killing me and being stuck in an emotionally terrible position. Gods little gifts in terrible situations, I guess, are what make bad moments kinda okay in a way. Yet I have a feeling with my 4.0 GPA and scoring over a 1200 on the SATs i may be able to get a full scholarship to college, which would put me in a bad situation. Take the free ride to college and risk losing the boy I love like crazy and always will love, or take the financial hit and keep my heart happy and be there for the boy I love?
I am so confused. So many big things happening in my life this year, and I don't know how i will deal with them. I just want to make decisions in my life that i will be able to live with so I wont have to regret making the wrong decisions for the rest of my life. I don't want to screw this up.
I've been semi-depressed for the last week or so, because my boyfriend of over a year went on a vacation to Canada. I know, I know, I'll live. But it still sucks and i miss him like crazy. Teenage love, i guess, but its more than just teenage love. I want to spend the rest of my life with this boy and I hope/believe that that is what he wants too. The problem is that I don't know where to draw the line as far as how huge a part of my life i should make him- if going two weeks without him is killing me inside does that mean I am to dependent and reliant on him for my happiness? Yet isn't that the way a relationship should be? ugh. I am afraid that I may have been focusing to much on him lately and haven't been focusing enough time on friends. I have been talking to and connecting to my friends a lot more in the week that he has been gone, and I wont lie its been nice. It kinda hit me that I may have been a bit of an absent sucky friend lately, and I don't want to be that person. So i guess him leaving opened up my eyes to the fact that I need to focus some of the time I put on him towards my friends, because I love them to and I know they love me back. I need to find a happy medium.
Him being gone has also opened my eyes to the fact that I think i will never be able to leave him when i go to college next year so ill probably end up going to clarion uni, not that that's a bad thing. I'm glad i know that i cant stand leaving him before i went and decided to go to a school a couple of hours away thinking I could deal with the distance only to realize that it was killing me and being stuck in an emotionally terrible position. Gods little gifts in terrible situations, I guess, are what make bad moments kinda okay in a way. Yet I have a feeling with my 4.0 GPA and scoring over a 1200 on the SATs i may be able to get a full scholarship to college, which would put me in a bad situation. Take the free ride to college and risk losing the boy I love like crazy and always will love, or take the financial hit and keep my heart happy and be there for the boy I love?
I am so confused. So many big things happening in my life this year, and I don't know how i will deal with them. I just want to make decisions in my life that i will be able to live with so I wont have to regret making the wrong decisions for the rest of my life. I don't want to screw this up.
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